Time will pass

Some things have been happening in my life lately, some good, some bad, some uncertain. I am still working for the co-op, and that is turning out to be a little bit more profitable than I had expected. That combined with what I've seen at Target and JC Penney lately (in terms of jewelry and hair ornaments) has convinced to me hang up the ol' glue gun for awhile after my second open house is over. Though people do value handmade items, I cannot make my prices competetive with mass-produced items at this time. Until the early springtime festivals begin, it's hello, agriculture, and goodbye, handmade. At least I'll get some knitting done.

I'm facing 2 problems here: a feeling of loss, and a feeling of uncertainty. First, the uncertainty, because that's easier to explain. I decided months ago that if my jewelry business hasn't taken off by the time Lily starts school, I'm going back to college for another degree. In recent months I had decided that I was interested in the sustainable systems program at SRU, and I wanted to focus on agriculture. Last Wednesday (first full moon of this Blue Moon month, and a terrible day all around) one of the awful things that I had to deal with was the realization that SRU has discontinued the agriculture aspect of that program since the entire program has been moved from the Parks & Recreation Department to the Geology Department. So now if I want to be formally educated on that subject, I have to go somewhere else. It will be farther away, and I may not be so lucky as to be able to go directly into a master's program: I think I may have to go get a B.S., since a B.A. hasn't prepared me with basic information I would surely need.

I'd rather not do all of that. I'd like to get some practical experience with vegetable, grain, and livestock farming. I'm considering going away for a little while, but it would be very difficult to do with a toddler. I can't imagine any scenario in which raising Lily and working on some farm in whatever random, far-flung locale can co-exist. I asked sincerely to be hired part-time by someone who means alot to me, but I don't think that is going to happen. That's part of the "feeling of loss" component.
This person asked me a few weeks ago where I've been, where I am now, and where I'm going. I used to have a pretty straightforward answer to that, but now I'm not so sure.

I want to work hard. I want to learn. I want to be a mother and a companion. Family is the most important thing in the world to me, above any employment goals or worldly possessions. My daughter is my family; my mother is my family; my very dearest, oldest friend is my family. I want more than that for my daughter someday, though. No matter how much education you have, no matter how hard you work, no matter how long and sincerely you pray, no matter how much money you have, there are some things that happen on their own schedules.

That brings me to the loss portion of my week. I gained and lost something indescribably amazing within the last month. I cried about it, I had irrational ideas for making it all work out the way I wanted, I worried that I wasn't good enough, I worried that I had been lied to from the beginning. . . then I got over it. None of those thoughts are helpful or rational. Time will pass. Things will work out for the best eventually, and trying to force the hand of fate could very probably cause the entire situation to explode in my face. I understand that I have to take care of myself to stay healthy and happy. I understand that moping doesn't fix anything. I need to just put on my big girl pants (in this case, Dickies) and deal with it. Maybe someday I'll get to try again. The one thing that is killing me about this is that I didn't get to tell this very important person something, and I know that if he doesn't know this, I will feel like I could have tried harder to be a better friend and a person with more integrity, somebody who deserves the respect shown to me. What I want to say is this:

I want you to know that the reality of your situation finally sunk in. You were right when you made one particular decision for me: I would probably be very unhappy and angry if we were together while you were going through the things that your lawyer suggested. Thank you for that decision, and it really didn’t take me too many days to agree.
There’s something I hope you keep in mind, though: you told me a few weeks ago that I was giving you the strength to not be sucked back into an unhappy situation. You used the exact words “you’re what I need.” So I understand that I can’t be with you right now because it’s a very stressful and complicated time, and neither one of us could give the other what we would in different circumstances. I’m at peace with that, though it is sad. I want you to remember, though, that even though I cannot be physically near you or whisper words of encouragement to you, please remember that I think your lifestyle is amazing. I think your work is valid, important, and fascinating. I think your home and your surroundings are beautiful, peaceful, and comfortable. I think you are a good man who has been through some sad, lonely times and that you deserve more. I am not asking you to rekindle our relationship right now. I am asking you to remember that I care for you and truly appreciate the person you are, the entire package, and I wouldn’t change anything about you or the life you lead. You deserve a life in which no one asks you to become someone you are not.

And that's how I feel right now. Time will pass. Stick with me while I figure out what to do next. I'm looking for local work that's related to sustainable agriculture, and I'm going to continue raising my beautiful daughter. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm no tree-hugging hippie, but I want to do my part to protect our soil, our air, and my daughter's future health and well-being. Anything else that comes into my life will be an added bonus, and will make my life fuller and happier.